Yesterday was a hard day emotionally and I was forced to face my mortality. I felt sad and overwhelmed for much of the day.
I started the day positively by waking up and reading a list of questions that Carlyle gave me. I shall share them here as I think they are great questions for us all to ask ourselves and help to start to the day with the right mindset. When you first wake in the morning, spend 15 minutes thinking about these questions. 1. What am I grateful for? 2. What am I proud of? 3. What am I excited about right now? 4. What am I committed to right now? 5. What makes me happy? 6. What gives me pleasure? 7. What is my vision/ Purpose? 8. What is my dream? 9. Who do I love? 10. Who loves me? 11. What are my 3 most amazing internal characteristics? 12 What are my 3 most amazing external characteristics?
Here are some of my answers… I am grateful for the love and support I am receiving from many different places, I am grateful that I have such an amazing support network, I am grateful for my wonderful boyfriend, I am proud of myself, I am proud of my strength and courage, I am excited about sharing my journey and helping others with theirs, I am committed to loving and supporting my body and healing with love and a gentle spirit, creativity and self- expression make me happy and I am committed to doing more of this, spending time with Ioannis, my friends and family makes me happy, Helping others and making a difference gives me pleasure as does doing things for the pure pleasure of doing them, which includes doing some art, I am going to take my art supplies with me to The Pause this weekend. My vision and purpose is to share my journey and inspire others to love and look after their bodies and to treat illness and especially cancer as a deeper healing journey that requires an integrated approach and not just blindly follow the conventional approach, it’s so much deeper than being cut, poisoned and burned. We need to heal our soul, our body and our spirit through self love and nutrition and ask ourselves what this dis-ease is telling us. My dream is to heal from this naturally and with love and nurturing and then to be a mother. I love myself and my body, I love Ioannis, I love my family, I love my wonderful friends, I love this cancer for what it is teaching me. I am loved by Ioannis, my family, my friends, my network. My three most amazing internal characteristics are strength, my heart and my courage, my three external characteristics are sense of humour, intelligence and my eyes. What comes up for you?
Once I had spent time with these questions, I meditated and connected with my feminine energy. So I got up in a good head space. As soon as I got up though, I realised that I had pain again, although it was in a different place from before and my sense was a feeling of trapped wind in my lower abdomen. I had my green smoothy and got showered and ready for an appointment with my GP, which ironically I had booked some weeks ago as I wanted him to refer me from Chase Farm hospital to The Marsden for my ongoing breast cancer care.
He had not yet received the report from the hospital and so was unaware of what had happened to me after I left the doctors surgery in an ambulance just over 2 weeks ago. He is a lovely doctor and had been really caring when I first had my new patient check up with him and told him about my past history, his wife has had breast cancer too. When I told him what was happening, his only word was ‘shit!’. We talked about my thoughts on treatment and I told him that I had little faith in the conventional approach as it had not served me at all so far. I told him that I intended to heal myself with a mind, body and spirit, integrated approach. I told him that I am following a plant based diet and alkalising my body, that I am working on my deeper emotional issues and that I am working with a medical homeopath. He asked me what support I had and I had I had an amazing support network. he told me not to be angry, and I said that I wasn’t, I don’t feel anger but love for my body. He said that he has personal experience of taking an integrated approach within his family and fully supported me. He said that he wants to see me every week for a double appointment so that we have time to talk and that he will support me in whatever way he can. What a truly lovely doctor. He said that he is very impressed with me and my approach and gave me a hug as I left.
I then went to the Macmillan Centre at the UCLH as they had an open morning. I had a call from them to go and chat about my wig. Picking out wigs, suddenly brought it all home to me. This is really happening…. again! I absolutely hated my wigs last time. I hated wearing them because they were itchy and uncomfortable, I was constantly conscious and worried that it would slip and I felt they made me look old. Sitting here and choosing them again made me feel really depressed. I also spoke to them about financial support and this is something that I need to spend some time addressing next week. I then picked up some leaflets, which probably wasn’t a great idea because then I had to see it written in black and white. I have secondary breast cancer in my liver and my lung, also known as stage 4 breast cancer, advanced breast cancer and metastases. It’s not curable by conventional means. Seeing the words stage 4 there on that leaflet gave me a hard reality check. I know that when people have stage 4 cancer they are in big trouble and I never thought I would be reading that about myself. The shock hit me all over again.
Ioannis came over late afternoon and was going to take me for a ride on his bike but I had fallen asleep and was really groggy and so he just laid in bed and cuddled me and let me rest. I got up a little later and we had the rest of the cakes that I made the night before with some salad and I showed him the leaflets. He asked me if reading them was really helping me and I admitted that it wasn’t. He said that I already knew what I was dealing with and reading it in leaflets was just torturing me and putting me in a negative mindset. I put them down and agreed not to read them anymore.
I wanted to make some effort to be present for Ioannis as I really haven’t been recently, I have been paying him half my attention and the other half has been on my laptop and phone. So I switched everything off and got changed into something nice for him. As we sat together on the bed he knew that my mind still wasn’t fully present and asked me what was in my head. I gave him a couple of answers, which he knew wasn’t the real issue, he has good bullshit deflectors! I finally opened up and said that what was in my head was fear.. I am scared of leaving, I am scared of where this journey will end, I am terrified that I have stage 4 cancer. I then started to cry, I needed to let go of some of this fear and emotion that is inside of me. He told me that he is terrified too. It wasn’t a moment of intimacy in the sexy way that I had wished, but it was a moment of much deeper intimacy, a moment of hearts connecting and reaching out to each other. A moment of acknowledging each others fears and holding a space for each other.
I slept better last night, although I was woken by the pain in my side a couple of times. I have woken this morning with a deeper pain and so I have had to take painkillers and steroids but they aren’t taking it away, it hurts to breathe deeply again. I feel a heaviness in my heart today. I have to accept that I will have days like these, and although my journey is positive and people tell me that they have beaten this by refusing to acknowledge it’s existence, I know that my journey is about accepting what is happening and about sitting with and accepting my mortality and the pain that it brings me. This is all part of my own personal journey, I can’t keep running and denying.
I have a big day today, I am with Dr Kim at 1230 and then I have chemo at 1530. The rash on my hands has faded although it is appearing on other parts of my body, but it will be back with vengeance after the chemo has been administered again. I am going to do some work to change my frequency before the chemo is administered as I need to accept it into my body with love and not resentment.
I have some exciting news so finish with, I have been invited to share my blog with The HuffPost New york on their website. I have the opportunity through this to share my journey and I hope, to help and inspire many people. What an honour.
I also found out this morning that Vitamix have donated me a machine, which they are sending in the post today. So I wanted to say a huge thank you to them for their wonderful generosity.
There are so many wonderfully positive things that are showing up in life that it is hard to stay sad for too long.
So with love in my heart, it’s goodbye for now, until next time.