Friday morning I was up early to get on the tube to Buckhurst Hill where I was meeting my friends Leigh and Thao who were taking me down to Cornwall to The Pause retreat. We chatted on the way down and I had a nap and the journey seemed to go by really quickly. We arrived in Cornwall about 4.30pm to a pretty farm. The space that we were staying in was a beautiful old barn with a truly wonderful warm and lovely energy about it.
The second I walked through the door, the tiredness hit me. I unpacked my clothes and put them away and then changed into comfy clothes. I laid down on one of the comfy sofas and fell asleep pretty much immediately. That was where I stayed for most of the weekend. I had an overwhelming exhaustion and need to sleep and so I let my body do what it needed to do. Luckily, I was sharing the space with four other absolutely beautiful souls and we all held a space for each other to get exactly what we need from the weekend. We all talked when we felt like it and rested when we felt like it in a supportive and wonderful environment. It was exactly what my weary soul needed.
The last three weeks have all happened so fast that I haven’t had a chance to truly process the shock. My world has turned completely on it’s axis and nothing is and ever will be the same. I have been travelling at such a speed in trying to take it all in, decide on Team Foxley, change my diet, start alkalising my body, research how to support my body through the chemo, raise money and make decisions about life and business that I haven’t truly stopped and processed the enormity of what is happening to me. I have been doing, doing, doing and not just sitting and being. The Pause was my chance to sit with it all and let it sink in. The girls said that I had a look of shock and fear in my eyes the whole weekend. I have to admit that I really didn’t feel too well at all. This wasn’t helped by the fact that I could feel a virus hitting me for the couple of days before I went, which hit me properly on Friday night. I kept getting really hot over the next couple of days and on Saturday afternoon I nearly fainted, which really scared me. I was in quite a bad place in my head on Saturday, feeling really scared but I was able to share that with the other girls and actually after acknowledging this and being with it, I started to feel much better. I stayed up late that evening having a wonderful, deep conversation with Thao, really connecting with her.
The next morning, although tired, I felt much better in myself. Thao and Amanda had wanted to do come pictures with me to show me in a whole new light. I want to leave behind the warrior and struggle energy of my previous pictures and be shown in a new softer and feminine light. My journey now is about healing and being in the feminine energy and I am very aware of the languages that I use and the images that I portray as all of these send a frequency out that alters what comes back to me. I had a very profound conversation with Thao about this before I went to The Pause and it resonated with my soul. This is also deeply echoed in the work that I do with Kim. At first, I had a very scared look in my eyes, which had been there all weekend, so Danielle came and spoke to me and got me to talk about Ioannis and what he means to me, which instantly changed my inner energy and frequency, which was then projected in the images that were taken. After taking the pictures, we had lunch and then it was time to go. I wished that I could stay another night but I had to get back for chemo and client meetings. I still felt very weak energy wise and felt that I actually needed another week of just resting. The Pause has taught me that I really need to get away and just stop as often as I can. Being in my flat in London is not restful as I have too much that I can start doing and my mind gets too active. I need time to pause and rest. We filled out messages in a bottle for ourselves, which contained our recipes for wellbeing. For me, it was time to just rest and be, to take off my superwoman cape and spend quality time doing nothing. To spend quality, loving time with Ioannis. To nourish my body with healing food. To nourish my mind with healing thoughts. To be creative and draw and paint. To get out of London as often as I can. To just slow down and be.
I slept most of the way back in the car and asked Ioannis to come and meet me at Loughton tube where I was being dropped off as I knew that I didn’t have the energy to manage my cases by myself. He met me there and took me home and made me dinner. I had been in a lot of pain all weekend and it was particularly bad on Sunday night. Ioannis knew how fragile I was and laid down with me once we had eaten. I slept cuddled up in his arms feeling loved and nurtured.
I had to be up early on Monday morning as I had to go to the hospital first thing to have my bloods taken so that the chemo could be ordered. I then had two client meetings during the day and then back to the hospital afterwards for the chemo. I felt terrible when I woke up as the virus was still taking all of my energy and I really struggled to get myself showered and ready. I struggled to eat and drink my juice and gagged on all of my supplements. I really didn’t know how I was going to manage to do my client meetings, but the afternoon appointment was a particularly important client meeting that had been booked some while ago. I told myself that I just needed to get through today and then I have two days to rest and recover. Ioannis took me to the hospital and I did what I needed to do there, he then took me to my first client meeting and waited for me to finish. The meeting went well and the client had no idea of how tired I was. Ioannis then took me home and made me lunch while I had a sleep to recharge. I then ate, got changed and went to meet my other clients. That meeting went very well too and I had to talk about some very technical stuff, all of which seemed to just flow. Again, my clients had no idea of what is happening in the rest of my life, I was able to focus completely on them and being professional.
Ioannis then came and picked me up and took me to hospital for my chemo, which I am pleased to say went without a hitch this time. I was also in a much better space in my head about the chemo this time. I know that it really does help to ease the pain and it is buying me time to do the deep spiritual work that I need to do to truly heal. So as it was administered, I shut my eyes and imagined it as a golden healing light entering my body and surrounding my liver with love and healing energy to take the anger away and leave a feeling of calm within it. The chemo hurts my heart as it goes in as the PICC line means that it enters my body right into it, but I tried not to focus on that and instead focused in the healing light.
Ioannis brought me home afterwards and then he had to go to work. For the first time in weeks I actually felt properly hungry and so ate the rest of the food that Ioannis made me for lunch and made myself some more food. Chemo plays havoc with the digestive system and so for the rest of the evening I felt pretty uncomfortable and bloated. It also makes you rather windy, so it’s just as well Ioannis loves me as I am not the sexiest of people to be around at the moment!
I didn’t end up getting to sleep until 1am as I was buzzing from the chemo and the steroids and was awake at 5.30am this morning with my little brain buzzing away again. So I turned my laptop on and did some stuff that was on my mind. I am going to have a little nap now and then make my way over to Ioannis’ for a change of scenery. I shall be taking my art supplies over there with me and we are going to sit together and paint and draw as he is creative too. Then we are going to play video games! This a new experience me! In between all of that I shall be napping and being fed lovely nourishing food.
It’s been a bit of a long one today, so thanks for staying with me….
Until next time….
Love Hannah x