I had a truly wonderful time at my Mum’s and felt so close to her. She made me lovely, nutritious plant based meals and I thoroughly enjoyed every one. I was amused by the irony that I used to hate her vegetarian cooking when I was a kid, but love it now. Mum pointed out though that she didn’t have nice ingredients when we were children and somehow managed to make a meal out of nothing every night. She really did perform miracles and no one ever went hungry.
I have made some important decisions over the last week and now I feel ready to share them with you. I have had a sense all along that I need to fast and when Kim mentioned this to me, I knew we were aligned. I didn’t fully understand what a fast would do for me but I knew in my heart that I needed to do it. I also knew that I needed to go somewhere to do it. Kim said that a fast of this kind needs to be carefully supervised. I am going to follow up this blog with a note from Kim, which explains what a fast does for your body. But I understand that it activates something at a cellular level, which can make a huge difference to the cancer. Also, a deep fast will take me to a place where all of my stuck emotions will start to become unstuck. It is going to be a very deep and intense experience but will deeply detox my body. I need to go somewhere very special to do this and Kim has found me just the place. I am going to be visiting a place in India, just outside Bangalore called Soukya, founded and run by a man called Dr Matthai. Dr Matthai has an incredible list of qualifications and is on many worldwide health boards including being on the committee of the World Health Organisation “Renewal of Global Health Policy for the 21st Century”. The centre practices Homeopathy, Ayurvedic and Naturopathy as well as yoga, mediation and is a place of healing and calm. I shall be going there for three weeks. My heart tells me that this is the place that I need to be.
Ioannis is going to be coming with me as both he and Kim were very worried about me going on my own. For Ioannis to come to India with me shows his deep love for me as it does not fit with his belief system and it is not somewhere that he has any desire to go. However, he understands how important it is to me and is therefore going to come with me. I think being there will have a profound effect on him too, which he admits that he knows and that it scares him.
I had a coaching call with Danielle yesterday morning and we talked about me doing things because I felt obligated to them. We were actually talking about it in the context of a pension seminar that I was running for family lawyers on Thursday. Firstly, it fell on a chemo day and I didn’t know how bad I would feel but secondly, I felt that I was doing it out of obligation because I didn’t want to let people down even though I really don’t feel up to it and I am not really in a place energy wise to take on a load of new work in the business. I think also that it was a bit of ego showing up, that I wanted to be superwoman and still do this seminar, even with all the challenges that I am facing and show everyone how great I am. I realised as I explored this with Danielle that this isn’t who I am anymore and I don’t need to keep proving myself and being superwoman. I just need to be me.
This really got me thinking about another huge thing that I am doing out of a feeling of obligation because I don’t want others to feel upset and scared. Something that is not true to my heart and doesn’t feel right with my body. That thing is having chemo. I have never wanted it but I know that my family and Ioannis believe that it will help me and so I went along with it to stop them from feeling scared. But the thing is that I don’t believe in it. My feeling is that I am fighting a losing battle in that as fast as I am trying to support my body and boost my immune system by eating my plant based diet, juicing and taking handfuls of nutritional supplements, the chemo is killing it. I have learned and understood that one of the most important factors in healing my body naturally of cancer is to reboot my immune system and get my body’s natural fighting warriors working and chemo does the exact opposite to that. Chemo and radiotherapy are also both carcinogenics and can actually cause what they seek to destroy and as I mentioned in an earlier blog, the Taxol that I took could well have contributed to the position that I find myself in now. With all of this in the back of my mind, I just can’t find any good reason to keep having chemo. I feel constantly exhausted. So, I have made the decision to stop chemo immediately. I believe in my heart that I will heal from this naturally but I have to give my body the best fighting chance and poisoning it with chemo is not the answer. I also want to live every single moment of my life, I don’t want to spend it in a chemo hazed existence, feeling like shit. I want to heal naturally and still have working ovaries, so that I can be a mother. They are starting to regain their function and I want to allow them to come back to life, not kill them again with chemo.
I discussed this with Ioannis last night. We discussed his fears and worries and beliefs about chemo. I have already explained to him that chemo is taking from my body and is counter intuitive to what I am doing with everything else. He asked me if I understand how bad the cancer is in my liver and I said that I fully understand. He said that although he believes in chemo, he understands that I do not and he understands the logic of what I am doing. He can see that I have another plan to get well and am not just rejecting chemo and then doing nothing else to help myself. He fully supports my decision and says that he would want the freedom to choose what he does with his body too. He understands that my belief system is expansive and that I believe that anything is possible and that miracles happen. I truly believe this. I believe that the body has everything it needs to heal itself, it just needs to be supported and for that to be accessed. It can’t heal itself while it is being poisoned though and that is why I am not continuing with something that I don’t believe in.
It is going to be a difficult conversation with my consultant on Thursday, but I will come from a place of love and reassurance to him. I understand that he has his training and beliefs and I have mine and so I will be very sensitive as I explain it to him.
Since making that decision and verbalising it last night to Ioannis, Kim and Danielle as well as letting my Mum know that I didn’t intend to finish chemo, I have already started to feel better and have less pain in my liver. I think it was asking me to stop poisoning it. The last few days, I have felt more ‘in my body’ and more in tune with myself. I am listening to it’s whispers and in some case shouts!
I know that there are many people reading this who will not agree with what I am doing and that is fine. We all have our own belief systems. Everyone’s journey is individual and you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you. I am following my heart and doing what I believe is right for me.
Until next time…
Love Hannah x