It’s so lovely to be back in my own bed, in my own space. I can’t tell you how grateful I was to walk through the door of my flat.
Yesterday, I had what I consider to be a real miracle on the pain front and I truly believe that it is thanks to all of the healing energy that everyone has been sending me. I went through the whole night on Thursday with no meds, I woke up with no more than a twinge of pain. I had my meds at 0630 and then had nothing at all until around 1800. I felt no pain at all in my liver and could breathe fully and move about easily. I have not been able to do that all week. To put that into context, all week I have been taking full strength Ibuprofen, Paracetamol and Buscapan four times a day, plus 10ml of Oxycodone, part of the opiate family at least every 2 hours and much of the time hourly and I have still been in considerable pain. I haven’t been able to breathe deeply at all and every time I moved it really hurt. So to go from all that to feeling no pain at all is a miracle! I have taken very little pain relief since I have been home. I have been given enough drugs to take home with me that my kitchen now looks like a pharmacy.
Ioannis had to work last night so my flat mate cooked me dinner, which was lovely of her. I then spent the rest of the evening reading and replying to the huge amount of messages and comments on Facebook. I feel hugely loved and supported. I have received lots and lots of suggestions for different healers and methods for alternative healing and over the next couple of days I will collate everything I have been given and start to work through it all. Thank you so much to everyone for your suggestions.
This morning I woke and the shock hit me. I have been so drugged up all week, had a constant stream of visitors and have been hit with so many huge bombshells that I haven’t really had a chance to take in the enormity of it all. Seeing it written in black and white on my discharge form made it much more real. I think mornings will always be the hardest, as the reality hits me again each day. I had a good, hard sob and just allowed myself to let the emotion come and feel it rather than pushing it back down, which I usually do. I tuned into my body and listened to what my heart was telling me.
I knew in that moment that I needed to call my older brother. I have never been super close to him as there is such a huge age gap between us, he is a half-brother from my Dad and his first wife and is in his mid 60′s. He had very bad feeling towards me about money that Dad had given me during his lifetime and of course once Dad died, this ended up in being a vicious argument over Dad’s modest estate, which was going on the entire way through my first two battles with cancer. I have only spoken to him once since Dad died, because I wanted to try and put the bad feeling to rest so that we could all move on. I have had no contact with him since despite my asking about family history of cancer on Dad’s side for genetic testing purposes. This morning though, I needed to call him, so I did. I wanted to reach out to him and not shut him out, he is my brother after all. He told me that my nephew (his son) is currently in a medically induced coma in intensive care, where he has been since last Sunday after a serious accident. He is also in a London hospital and so I will go and see him if I am allowed to. There is always someone worse off than you and they may be closer than you think. I have another older brother who I have not spoken to at all since Dad died, but I have no contact details for him as he lives in Spain. I am even more pissed off with him, so it’s going to take an even bigger swallow to get his contact details from my other brother and reach out to him.
I also feel the need to take control of supporting my body in the best way that I can and so I have started to research how I can alkalinise my body. I have ordered a couple of books on the subject and am changing my diet immediately to a plant based diet as it appears that all animal products provide an acidic environment in your body. I have known for some time that cancer thrives in an acidic environment and that it cannot thrive in an alkaline environment but I hadn’t really committed to understanding what that meant and making the necessary changes to my diet because I was so convinced that I would not get cancer again. If I am honest, my gut instinct and my body have been telling me for months to stop eating meat and particularly red meat. Now it’s shouting at me very loudly and I am listening!
One of the biggest things that I am learning really fast, right now is that I need to reach out to people and ask for what I need. I have always struggled with this hugely, especially where money is concerned, I guess it’s pride and ego that have stopped me from being open and reaching out. But the stress and worry that I have had about money in the past and particularly in the last 18 months since starting my business, I am sure has contributed to the life and death situation that I find myself in today. I have a fledgling business with erratic cash flow, which is barely earning enough to cover it’s expenses and my very basic needs. I started my business 18 months ago with absolutely nothing, no clients, no investment, no business partner.. nothing at all but a belief that it would work and that I would do everything in my power to make that happen. Trying to manage this and keep a roof over my head while I am facing a battle for my life is a very scary prospect.
So, I am going to spend some time working out what I need and the I am going to reach out and ask for help. This is a deeply uncomfortable thing for me to do but I know I need to lean in and let others help me before it puts me in an early grave. I feel deeply ashamed that I am running a financial planning and wealth management business and yet I find myself in such a dire financial situation. Admitting this is probably the most uncomfortable and difficult thing that I will share. I know that once I hit publish, I will get hot flushes of shame about it for the rest of the day! But life is teaching me very loudly that I need to put my ego down and be open and honest and ask. I just can’t do it all on my own.
I have always found it difficult to express how I really feel about things and to tell people what is really going on in my head. I am very open and chatty and happy to share the more superficial stuff but have felt ashamed and embarrassed to share the stuff that is really close to my heart or causing me pain. This I now realise is going to kill me if I don’t change it fast. So I am going to be brave and share my journey with you, all of my thoughts, including all of the things that scare me and cause me pain. Eeek!
That’s enough sharing for one day though..
Until tomorrow x