From the title of this blog, you are probably expecting me to say something slightly profound…. Nope. Life’s amusing lesson for today was check you have put the lid on the Vitamix properly before turning it on! I had made a green smoothy earlier and had then been on a Skype call. I turned the Vitamix on to mix the smoothy back up for a top up and yep, you guessed it, that’s me and the kitchen covered in green goo. Up the walls, all over the appliances and everything else, I am sure I will be finding it for weeks and much to Ioannis’ amusement, only because I managed to miss him!
I had my first coaching session with Danielle today, working on healing the emotional side and it’s thanks to everyone’s donations that I am able to get started with this part of my journey immediately. Danielle has always created a space for me to express emotion and the first few times I met her, I found myself just letting go of emotion quite spontaneously, which for me is revolutionary! I knew that I had to work with her as she holds such a lovely space and has a beautiful energy. We started to work on some of the grief that I have been holding onto. Something happened in my life nearly four years ago, which I don’t feel brave enough to share yet, but it was deeply difficult emotionally and I have not had a chance to process that grief. I started to do that today. I was also able to find some clarity about what is really, really important to me right now. While I have every intention of living and remain positive that I will get to the other side of this, I have to consider both sides of the coin. I have to face my mortality and sit with that. I have to consider what would happen if I don’t make it. I started to think about what is really important to me if I have 1 week, 1 month, 6 months or a year left. What came up for me was love and peace. I also know that if I survive this, I want to be a mother. In that moment, I realised that the time I have in this world is really, truly precious. I understood that I need to give my body the rest and healing that it needs and stop killing myself trying to be superwoman and run a business at the same time, just slow down. So I made a decision to ask for the money on my crowdfunding page for that to be possible.
Profoundly, I have found out that the emotional link of disease and problems of the liver is anger and the emotional link to the lung is grief. This really struck me deeply as I know that these are two very toxic emotions that I have been carrying with me. I know I have a lot of healing to do.
Immediately after my coaching call, I had to go to the hospital for an appointment with the fertility doctor. I didn’t get a chance to speak to anyone before I had chemo the first time around and I was very upset about that. I explained to her the timeline of my treatment and how my periods have behaved and she said that my body is behaving normally for someone of my age that has been through chemo and that my fertility levels are back on their way up. However, my ovaries are not anything like fully recovered yet and they are about to take another bashing. My Oncologist has discussed this with the fertility doctor as I had said that it was something that it is important to me, and has told her that he will adjust my chemo so that it does not have such a toxic effect on my ovaries. Egg freezing is unfortunately not an option, for a few reasons. Firstly, my ovaries are not fully functional yet after the last attack of chemo, secondly, as my cancer is a hormone cancer which is oestrogen responsive, it makes stimulating the hell out of my ovaries for egg production and thereby raising oestrogen levels in my body risky, and thirdly, because I don’t have the luxury of time to have fertility treatment, I have to start chemo immediately. The risk that I face is that fertility naturally wanes in women once we pass 35 and with the onslaught of chemo to add to that, it’s russian roulette. I guess I have to trust in nature and in the universe and accept that what will be, will be.
Tomorrow, I have to go and have something called a PICC line fitted, which gives permanent access to my veins via a tube that goes in my arm and is then fed up through the larger veins and down to my heart, where it stops just shy of it. This allows the chemo to be administered in a much more effective way. I have to have this fitted because my veins are shot to pieces from the last chemo and it is very difficult to get a needle into them now. I will be sedated for the procedure.
Chemo starts at 11 am on Thursday morning. I am to have six cycles, which will last 18 weeks. Each cycle is three weeks and I will have two weeks of chemo, once a week, followed by a week’s rest.
I can’t believe that just eight days ago, last Monday, I was rushed into hospital and now I am where I am now. It’s all happened so fast that I can barely keep up. I feel like I am living in a dream world and that I am going to wake up and realise that it’s all been a really bad nightmare. But I know that I won’t….