I had a really beautiful and poignant conversation with my Mum last night. As I came up to bed, I saw her light was still on and so I went in to her room to tell her that I loved her. I told her that I was so sorry for all of the times that I have said and done hurtful things to her (there have been quite a few). She said that she was sorry for the times she hurt me too. Then we just laid together and she stroked my arm as we talked. I felt really raw, connected, emotional and open. It was such a moment of closeness and healing for us. I told her about some of the decisions that I have been making over the past week or so and I told her about my planned fast.
I went to my bed with a feeling of raw love in my heart and had the best nights sleep I have had in a while.
I woke at 8am this morning having had eight hours sleep, which was fairly undisrupted. I actually felt quite human and alive rather than waking up feeling knackered like I have been the past few weeks. Although I have never actually lived in this house, there is something about waking up in my Mum’s home that makes me feel safe. I got up and had a slow and relaxing morning reading, chatting to Mum and not feeling like I had to do anything or be anywhere. I made a juice smoothie and now realise why my Vitamix is so awesome as I chewed my way through the attempt of my Mum’s smoothie maker!
Mum popped out for lunch with my Step Dad, Robert at the local Rugby club and my Sister Becky came over with my beautiful niece Eva Lily. I adore my little niece, she is so very cute. I love spending time with my sister and we had a lovely catch up and girly chat. I am realising that the very most important things to me are spending time with Ioannis, my Mum, my Sister and my close friends. I am going to ensure that I spend lots of time with them. If I can’t do what I love and what is important to me now then I never will. When all is said and done, life comes down to love and the people in your life. Nothing else matters.
Mum treated me to a treatment at her local beautician. I opted for a session in their massage chair while Mum had her nails done and it was lovely and relaxing.
After my Sister and Eva Lily had gone home I was pretty tired, so I had a nap while Mum cooked dinner. We then sat down and ate and had a lovely chat. I asked her about her relationship with my Dad and why it ended and I asked her about how she ended up with Steve, my first Step-Father and about her experience of it. This time, I really listened to her, not from the point of view about how I felt about it, but from her viewpoint. I really got it. I stopped listening to her like an angry teenager and listened to her like a grown woman and to be honest I can’t begin to imagine the level of pain, fear, stress and worry that she suffered while married to Steve for 13 years. I have a deep admiration for her in managing to bringing up 6 well mannered, intelligent and decent children, 5 of them in very difficult circumstances. I have nothing but respect for her strength, resilience and dignity. Mum, I love you so much.
I have had a truly lovely day today, I have felt better within myself than I have felt for a couple of weeks and I feel closer to my Mum than I have for years. Great healing is taking place.
So, with huge love in my heart…. Goodnight x