Stunned is the only word that I have to describe my reaction to the overwhelming generosity and kindness of everyone. I never in my wildest dreams expected to raise the money that I have so quickly. It takes such a huge weight off my mind knowing that my rent is taken care of and that I can pay for the alternative treatment that I need.
My wonderful twin brother from another mother and very good friend, Tim Drummond, turned up this morning with a Vitamix for me. I was gobsmacked… Speechless! So I had my first proper green smoothie. I shall be having one for breakfast every morning now and at other times in the day. I think they will help when I am having chemo and feel nauseous as they will be easier for me to digest and yet still packed with nutrition.
When I think about where I am now in my head compared to where I was before I started chemo last time, it’s worlds apart. Last time, I was in a very dark place. I had no partner, no support network and no idea about how to support my body. I didn’t understand nutrition at all. In fact, my oncologist at the time told me that if I needed a pick me up while on the chemo, it was ok to have a chocolate bar…. CANCER FEEDS ON SUGAR!!!! I ate ready meals because I was too tired to cook for myself and I ate so much sugar! I did just about everything wrong in terms of supporting my body and recovery. I even went out and abused my body the night before I started chemo.. Totally stupid!
I haven’t eaten sugar for the last year, or gluten, or dairy and I understand completely that a plant based diet and creating an alkaline environment in my body is key to healing from this. I understand now that food can either heal you or harm you. I choose to let it heal me. Alcohol and toxins shall never pass my lips again. It’s a huge change to go onto a completely plant based diet and I have to totally re-learn how to fuel my body with the right nutrients but I have started researching the subject. Here are a couple of good websites that I have found CANCERactive there is loads of unbiased, independent advice on both conventional and holistic treatment. An offshoot to this website is Natural Selection where you can buy a range of natural and organic products and supplements as well as excellent books. Two books that I have bought and am looking forward to reading are ‘Everything you need to know to help you beat cancer’ and ‘The Rainbow Diet and how it can help you to beat cancer’. I am very much looking forward to reading them both. Another great website is MindBodyGreen.
What I learned and which I can’t quite get my head around is that I never actually got rid of the cancer. It spread to my liver probably when it showed back up in my breast but it was so small that it didn’t show up on the scans they did at the time. It then may have laid dormant for a while before starting to grow and multiply. The thing that confuses me most though is that I was visiting the oncology department every three months for check ups and to have my bloods checked because I was in the super high risk category and they were supposed to be keeping a close eye on me. So why was this not picked up? What’s the point of checking my bloods every three months if you aren’t going to check the cancer and inflammation markers?? I just can’t understand how I can have been having regular check ups for the precisely the situation that I find myself in now and yet nobody picked it up!!!!
Thankfully I am now under the UCLH rather than the district hospital that I was under before and they give me the feeling that they are really on the ball. It’s also right around the corner from me and so it’s really easy for me to get to have chemo and all of the other check ups that go along with that.
I started to feel very tired and weak by the middle of the day today, I felt a bit feverish and not too hot at all at one point. I realised that I need to listen to my body and rest. I have had many, many visitors the past few days and while I feel deeply touched that everyone cares so deeply, I need to be kinder to myself and give my body the rest it needs. I need to take my superwoman cape off and slow down. My body just doesn’t have the reserves to keep pushing in my usual style. This is a very hard thing for me to sit with as my default is to get busy. It’s my way of running away from what’s really happening but a conversation I had today made me realise that I just can’t do that anymore.
I had a very deep and profound conversation with the person who I know I will be working with and who will be my holistic healing doctor, my heart has been telling me for some time that he is the person that I need to work with. He took me to the place that I need to be to understand how to truly heal myself and it was very raw and painful. I had to sit with my own mortality and stop running away from it. From that profound and raw place, I was able to listen to my heart. I have to take off my warrior, survival mode mask, find my feminine energy and heal from that. I felt deeply emotional and wide open after speaking with him.
From that conversation, I now instinctively know who Team Foxley are. The people who I have chosen to work with me holistically to heal me where I most need to heal. You see this cancer is a gift in the most profound way. It is teaching me that I have some very deep wounds that I need to heal and some toxic emotions to let go of. This journey of healing from cancer is a spiritual one. It’s taken me a long time to realise this.
Over the last couple of days, the universe has been doing some amazing things and I have been given the opportunity to heal some very deep wounds. I have been able to connect with someone who I caused deep hurt to in the past, apologise to them and find peace with them. They reached out to me via my blog, which was an amazing and beautiful thing to do. Having this opportunity to say how sorry I am has allowed a healing process to begin within me for something that I have spent many years hating myself for. It’s created a deep shift within me.
My brother also came round to see me tonight on the way back from the hospital where his son is still in intensive care. I gave him a long, heartfelt hug and could see the pain and stress in his face. We had a lovely chat and the energy between us was calm and gentle. I listened to him and he listened to me. I gave him another long hug as he left and told him that I love him.
Ioannis cooked me a lovely dinner and has prepared me food for tomorrow. I feel loved and nurtured.
We are going away at the end of the month for a couple of days to The Pause, which is run by the beautiful Danielle Marchant. She is one of the wonderful people who are part of Team Foxley and I start work with her tomorrow. When you need to press pause for a couple of days or even an hour and take a break from the madness that is life, Danielle is your lady. You can read her blog here.
So that’s my day. A roller coaster of stunning kindness, deeply profound and emotional, feeling exhausted and weak, starting to heal some old and deep wounds and finding team Foxley.
Thank you so much for all of the wonderful suggestions and offers of help from everyone. I have followed my heart and found my team.