As I sit here it’s 6am. I always get up at around 6am, my body has defaulted to that time. It’s a good time to write as I feel grounded and creative and able to convey my thoughts.
Ioannis is due to land at 7.45 am and I am really excited to see him, but also a little apprehensive as were in a pretty dark place when he left. But, I must trust him and have faith in him, which I do. He has been sending me the most wonderful texts and wrote me the most beautiful letter, which I would love to share but only with his permission and I will discuss with him today. He should be here by 9-9.30am. I have asked him to completely absorb himself in the healing vibe of Soukya. It’s such a magical place. I also said that it will bring him energetically closer to me, not to mention doing him the world of good, his back has ben playing up for some time. I also believe that it will help to release some of his own pent-up anger. It will be a profound experience for him too. He has agreed to have treatments and absorb himself too, which is just great news and a really positive step forward
Getting back to the subject of this blog….
As I mentioned in my previous blogs, I have really, really struggled with the treatment when I first got here. I had absolutely no reserves in my tank and so my body was really struggling to cope. It felt like my liver was screaming ‘what are you doing to me?’ It was very angry. The rest of my body was saying ‘I can’t handle this, it’s too much, I am not strong enough. I couldn’t stop vomiting, I couldn’t keep food down and I just wasn’t well enough to take the nutrients that Kim had prescribed me. So my body was trying to cope with a strong detox and yet had absolutely no reserves to cope with the immense strain in my body.
I got weaker and weaker until I was no longer to a single thing for myself. The therapists had to feed me, wash me and hold me up as I walked to the toilet or anywhere else. I was taken everywhere in a wheelchair, and still am, which saves me using up vital energy. I then started to detox with it passing out of my body and out the other end. This was equally exhausting as I was up and down to the toilet every 30 minutes or immediately after I woke up from a nap. I could feel my life force leaving my body. I simply had nothing else to give. Saturday and Sunday were the worst and I had a therapist stay in my room each night to keep a close eye on me.
Sunday was the worst night; and the most profound night, it was that night that I reached the edge of my mortality in this life. I was so weak that I had to be pulled out of the wheelchair because I had no energy to do it myself. The therapists had been feeding me and had showered me. I didn’t even have the energy to sit up straight, they had to sit me up and prop me up. I couldn’t stop vomiting and it was draining the life out of me, added on top of the, the need to constantly go to the loo and clear the toxins from my bowels took everything else I had.
The docs were brilliant and kept coming into my room to check me and they were considering putting me on a drip. My vital signs were all still in fact reasonable but my life force was non-existent. One of the docs told me that he could give me an injection to immediately stop the vomiting, I pretty much begged him for it. I just needed to stop vomiting. I hadn’t been taking any of my pharmaceuticals as I didn’t want my liver to have to work any harder than it needed to and it didn’t really feel like they were working, as the pain that I am getting here is very different to what I was experiencing before I came here. However, the docs had a rifle through my meds and told me to start taking them again. We also discovered that I have anti-sickness drugs and something to line my stomach, I had completely forgotten about them in my haze, they told me to start taking the meds.
Going to the very edge of mortality is a profound experience and really shines the light on what is important in life and what simply isn’t. I had to decide whether to stay is mortal world or whether to allow myself to leave. As I laid there in the darkest place, I was weighing up staying here in this mortal life or going and leaving all the pain behind. In those moments, I realised that I have been the one that has caused myself the most pain by constantly running, hiding and fighting with my shield. I had so much anger and self judgement stored up. I realised then that everything is in perfect balance and lead me to this moment, where I had to let go and surrender and understand what my true purpose is. I realised that there is nothing to be ashamed of, or angry about, it was just all part of the growing and evolving process. Everything has led me to this gift of being able to see my path so clearly and of letting go of everything, as well as my ego, which has my default position. I am slowly letting go of behaviours that no longer served me. Who knew that the party girl, who has abused myself and body for such a long time, would open her heart and realised that just being and just trusting where life takes me is the key and embrace it. It’s so profound but so simple.
If I hadn’t abused my body the way that I have done, I would never have had this gift of profound insight of understanding that life is always in perfect balance. I would never have put down my shield and just surrendered to people, allowing them into my life and to help me. I have allowed the therapists to look after me, to feed me and bath/shower me. My old shield and ego would never have allowed me to do this. In fact if I had tried to fight this with a warrior spirit and would probably have gone to the other side my now as I simply didn’t have the reserves. Since I have lost the warrior attitude and since my 2011/12 boughts of cancer, I have changed immeasurably and as a result have manifested some of the most wonderful people into my life. I decided to start a business, which led me to join the KPI programme, which led me to Kim, Danielle and Carlyle via the community who have become Team Foxley. The vast majority of my friends and those supporting me are from the KPI community. It has been of huge value to my business but the real value has been personal journey and network that I have around me, it was worth the money just for that. I thoroughly recommend it.
Money has also been a place of great guilt and shame for me. During some dark phases in my life I have overspent. I also grew up with a chronic debtor in my step-dad Steve and it absorbed within me, having a disastrous effect. We lived in a feast and famine way when I was young. Steve would get the family in incredible debt to the point that we were going to lose the roof over our heads, leaving Mum to beg the banks to consolidate things and create a bit of space. He would then go straight back out and rack up the credit cards. We grew up with a feeling of scarcity and Mum was in a constant state of worry. In fact, it was Dad’s maintenance that allowed her to put food on the table at some points. That debt and all the fear around money also made my Mum very ill, it manifested itself as a heart attack, much later on.
In the moment of greatest darkness I realised that none of that matters either. I have lost everything, including my house and have very little in the way possessions but am so much happier now. Life is about love and connection and not having flashy, overpriced stuff. They don’t keep you warm at night or provide love and support.
I have found my true purpose and calling now. I am a natural server of people but I don’t want to do that through financial planning. I want to do that by sharing my story as I know that there are many others who have a similar experience of life and are so deeply ashamed of it as I was that they keep it hidden within them because they think they will be judged, but biggest judge is them. I want to write my book and share my story and inspire people to take better care of their emotional and physical needs, so the shame doesn’t eat away at them until they find themselves in the position that I did. I want to speak to people from the stage and spread my message. I have so much to offer the world, I want to help people. I can even see myself becoming a healer and coach for people who have had the deep issues that I have and to help them treat their body in a positive way when faced with serious illness.
So in my deepest, darkest moment when I felt that I didn’t have the strength to carry on and stepping across to the other side felt really tempting, I realised that nothing matters in the way that we make it matter. I have been running an anger and slightly victim story my whole life and done loads of stupid things but they were all supposed to happen to lead me here. As long as I have a roof over my head, which I will do by living with Mum and I don’t let ego take over. As long as I love myself and others and allow them to love me. That is all that matters. I have realised that trusting the universe and life creates a wonderful and simple life and with positive intentions set, things have a habit of showing up when you need them, just trust that life will deliver what you need. Give more than you have and you will receive more than you need. I have found this to be utterly the truth.
In that moment, I made a conscious decision to stay in this mortal life. To embrace a simple, happy life with no stress and worry, to just let life unfold. To be love, let it into my life and give it to everyone. To imagine spreading love and light to each and every person that I come across. To not judge people and to forgive the people who have hurt me in the past. I chose to stay right here and share with the world the deep and profound insights that I am learning and continue to learn. I promised myself that I would continue to heal by letting go of all of my hurt and anger.
The doc came back with my anti-sickness injection and administered it. I had also taken some of my strong painkillers to help with the pain. Within about 10 minutes I was out for the count and had a beautiful sleep.
I woke the next morning feeling a million percent better, like my life force was returning. I felt alive and aware of the world around me, expansive and ready to put all I have into healing. The change was so immediate and apparent that it has taken me by surprise. This is what the universe does when you make a conscious decision to let go of all of the crap that I have been carrying. I still have some deep and intense work around letting go of some things as they are deeply embedded, but that is my complete focus for now.
I have praying since I got here, which is something I never thought I would do. I usually fall asleep half way through as I am so tired! I don’t pray to ‘God’ as he is recognised by religion but I believe that God is all around us and within us, a part of the universe.
So gently and slowly, I will heal from the hurt that I have received from others and the hurt that I have caused myself. I will forgive myself and everyone else that has caused me pain.
Thank you for reading this long blog, but I didn’t want to miss anything out.
With the greatest love, until next time…