Sorry for the long silence, I have been very sick and just didn’t have the energy to write.
Since I have been on this incredible journey I have been thinking about what brings me joy and makes my heart sing and what stresses me out and drains my energy. I have been really listening to my intuition and understanding my true purpose. One of the exercises that Kim asks me to do is to put my hand on my heart and my liver and really go into my body and ask it what it needs, the consistent message is that I need peace and rest. I have asked my body what my purpose is.
My purpose is to live my truth by authentically sharing who I am and in that sharing, inspire others to see things from a different perspective. It is to help others who have done things that they were not proud of to find love and forgiveness within themselves, enabling them to let go of the shame, anger and pain. It is to let go of ego, which has driven me for so long, to a live a simple life of love, peace and happiness. To live in my gentle, yet powerful feminine energy and let go of the default masculine energy, which I have been living in my whole life, which hides my pain and shyness. This is a huge shift for me. I have always been big, brave Hannah, up for anything, intimidating to those who don’t know me well, an extrovert, loud and proud. Well the truth is, that isn’t me at all. I am at heart a quiet, peaceful soul who is actually an introvert. In order for me to get well and recharge, I need to be by myself and go into my own little world. I am creative and like to write and draw, love to spend time in nature and particularly around horses, which have been a huge feature of my life. This will come as a huge shock to some people reading this!
The problem with being my authentic self is that I was an easy target at school and got bullied a lot. I was always terrified that people wouldn’t like me and would be mean to me so I built this big giant shield to protect myself and that shield was loud and outgoing and didn’t let people get close to me. If I didn’t let people get close to me, they couldn’t hurt me. I always worked in a very male dominated environment and was an alpha female, I got sucked into the world of having status symbols, like a flashy car, nice clothes, shoes and handbags and have been living a life that wasn’t authentically me. That life broke me emotionally and financially and because I wasn’t being my authentic self, I was never happy or at peace with myself and therefore found many ways to numb my dis-ease.
Since the first two bouts of breast cancer, I have been working to shift more into my feminine energy, which has not been easy. I have buried it for so long and lived in my default masculine. I have been letting go of a lot of things. I now have less materially than I have ever had, but am happier than ever. Since I have dropped the masculine shield, I find that I have a lot more wonderful female friends in my life and they are truly supportive and beautiful friends. The effect of letting go of those things, which do not serve me any longer, has been a relief each time.
But I still had more to let go of.
The first thing that Kim said to me when we spoke on the phone initially was that I had to stop fighting. I can’t face this in a masculine, fighting energy because it will kill me. My body just doesn’t have the resources to fight. I must connect with my feminine energy, which is actually far more powerful than the masculine and just allow what needs to happen, happen. The words that he spoke to me, resonated so deeply, that I instantly listened to him and put down my shield. He said that he could hear the change in my tone of voice when I stepped into my feminine, it was softer and more beautiful to listen to.
But there was still something big that I was hanging onto and trying to be a hero about. That something was my business. My business is a regulated financial services business, which gives advice to women facing divorce, it’s called The Women’s Wealth Expert. I have been in financial services for my whole career, I don’t know any different, but I think I fell out of love with financial planning a long time ago. I love helping people and it gives me great joy to see my clients feel more confident about their financial future, but I just don’t love working in such an admin intensive environment. It doesn’t make my heart sing and it hasn’t for a long time. I feel that I have a different calling and purpose, which I must pursue.
I had a very profound meeting Kim, Danielle and Carlyle, which took me to a very deep level of truth. Initially, I was going to try and keep running the business to some extent and had brought in a locum IFA to help me as well as additional support to help me with creating the compliance files.
Carlyle took me through an exercise, which asked me the feelings that keeping my business going evoked in me. None of them were positive. I really couldn’t cope with the constant emails coming at me from all directions asking me questions when I was so ill and pumped full of drugs.
After going through this exercise, it was clear what I needed to do, I needed to let go. But my ego was saying that I have put my heart and soul into building this business and brand. I have lost pretty much everything in getting it set up and pushing through the times where I had no cash flow coming in. I have put blood, sweat and tears into building a profile and a reputation. The business is at the tipping point of having consistently good clients as well as regular referrals. All that hard work is paying off. But to be honest, in the process, it has contributed to the extreme health position that I find myself in now. I have known for a long time, that it is time to let go. My heart has been whispering to me to let the business go because it isn’t my calling, but my ego was saying ‘keep going’.
But I did it, while I was sitting there with Carlyle, Danielle and Kim, I knew exactly the person that I trusted to continue what I have so painstakingly built, who shares my ethos of nurturing and looking after their clients, who offers true financial planning. That person is the person who was kindly being my locum. That person is Tina Weeks of Serenity Financial Planning. She was completely gobsmacked when I called her and told her that I wanted to give my business to her. She kept saying, “you can have it back when you are well”, I kept saying “I don’t want it back.”
So we spoke again later in the evening and confirmed that she hadn’t dreamt it and that I had actually said that to her! We then agreed a financial deal. I let Tina drive this as I wanted her to give me what she felt was fair and to be honest, it wasn’t about the money, I wanted to gift it to her. I wanted to leave my business with someone that I can trust and who will continue to look after my clients the way that I do. But our agreement will give me an income stream, which will support my day to day living without all of the overheads that previously came with it. Allowing me to live a more simple life. It will also make my Will far easier to write
As I did this, I could feel a huge black cloud lifting from my shoulders, I could feel the life force coming back into me. I felt very dizzy as I got up off the bed, as if a chain had been released from around my neck. As the evening went on, I felt lighter and lighter. Now I can follow my true purpose and be free. I loved all of my clients and I will miss them, but I know that they will be in very safe hands.
My compliance network has been wonderfully supportive and has said that they will do anything in their power to make the business handover simple and easy. They won’t impose any restrictions on me and will deal directly with Tina to allow me to step away. This is incredibly kind and generous of them. Thank you Sense Network for always being supportive and for being so kind and helpful now.
My true purpose is to write my story. My heart keeps telling me that I must write my book, my story. I need to share my story with the world. I want to live a simple life and to do what makes my heart sing. I don’t want to live in a world of financial targets, returns, reports and compliance. I want to share myself in a way that is authentic and simple. I plan to start writing my book very soon and bought myself a couple of A3 pads to bring to India to start mapping it out. I want my book to inspire others to realise that however tough things have been in life, we can still come back to ourselves and live our authentic lives. We can learn to love and care for our bodies and heal naturally. I would absolutely love to be published by Hay House, I hope that dream can come true.
I will continue to blog and share my journey with you, honestly, frankly and authentically.
Letting go of all of this self-created obligation in my life is giving me the space to just be and to allow myself to heal. I have a huge physical challenge to heal, I am not a well lady. I look about 6 months pregnant where my organs are so swollen that they are fighting for space. My liver is about twice the size it should be and is rock hard. My feet and ankles are incredibly swollen and I am taken everywhere in a wheelchair as I am not strong enough to walk. Some days I have one foot in each world and am more out than in. I have to let go of everything that is casting a black cloud over me and just sink into the healing that needs to take place.
I am now in India at Soukya and I can’t wait to tell you about this magical place in my next blog. It’s a piece of heaven.
Love Hannah x