I had another rough night’s sleep last night. The night’s in a hospital seem to go on forever. I was having a conversation with my friend in Thailand on Facebook at 4 am!
My friend Andy who is a Theta Healer, did some healing with me last night and for the first time since Monday I could take a lung full of air without yelping. I was also far more comfortable all night. Although I made the school girl error of not topping up my meds during the night and woke up in agony this morning.
I was told by the oncologist yesterday that I have multiple tumours on both my lung and my liver and the breast consultant came round to see me this morning at 7.30 am. He basically told me that the cancer is inoperable and that the prognosis is not positive when the cancer has spread as it has. I hadn’t even had my breakfast before I had to digest that.
I have been crying ever since. I am so scared. I am not ready to go anywhere yet, I have too much to live for. Just a few days ago, I was fit, healthy, happy and excited about my future. In a new relationship with someone who I really connect with and who makes me feel awesome. I am not ready to let that go. I want to keep building my business and my legacy and living my life. I have too many great friends that I want to spend more time with.
I have been completely overwhelmed by the love and support that I have received via Facebook where I have shared my journey. Facebook for me is my private space where I feel that I can be honest with my friends. I feel so loved and cared for and means more to me than anyone could ever know. I have barely been able to keep up with all of the messages and texts that I have been receiving since I posted my news.
I truly thought I wasn’t going to get sick again because I have changed my life so much. I felt that I had come out of the other side of a terrible seven year cycle where I got rocked to the core. I thought that life was on the up.
I don’t want to be a memory of someone who died young. I want to be here with everyone else, sharing the journey. Facing my own mortality at just 36 years old is truly terrifying. I am not religious, although I do believe in the higher power of the universe, but I prayed for the first time this morning. I prayed to that higher power to get me through this and that I am not ready to go yet.
I want to explore natural healing. My heart tells me that it doesn’t want me to follow conventional treatment only and poison my body. So if anyone out there is a healer, nutritionist, holistic practitioner or anything along those lines and you feel you can help me, please get in touch. I understand that I will probably need a mixture of both but I want to heal as naturally as possible.
So much to process and so much to take in. Writing it down here and sharing my journey really helps.
Until next time… x